Together Digital Power Lounge, Women in Digital with Power to Share

How to Design Your Future Self

• Chief Empowerment Officer, Amy Vaughan

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0:00 | 48:16

Lauren LeMunyan is breaking down the myths of goal setting, helping leaders embody their future selves, and building psychological safety from the inside out.

This one hit different. I sat down with Lauren LeMunyan — certified master coach, CEO of Spitfire Coach, and creator of Future Self Design — and walked away with a completely new way of thinking about transformation. We talked about burnout, the fear of success, why SMART goals keep us stuck, and what it actually means to become the person you're designing yourself to be. It's a conversation about courage, self-awareness, and the kind of inner work that creates real, lasting change.

Lauren's path to coaching began in a meditation during her first coach training weekend — going through a divorce at 31, she heard a voice say 'you are the Spitfire Coach.' What followed was a decade of building a practice that now serves individuals and corporate teams alike. Future Self Design flips the script on traditional goal setting: instead of focusing on what's not working, it asks who you become on the other side — and challenges you to start embodying that person today.

The conversation also gets into psychological safety as a spectrum, the ladder of inference, why burnout is really about unmet expectations, and how community is the antidote to the isolation epidemic. Lauren is funny, direct, and deeply real — and this episode is packed with tools you can use immediately.


What We Cover

How Lauren went from a messy divorce to building a 10-year coaching practice

Why SMART goals recreate the same patterns — and what Future Self Design does differently

The fear of success: why it's more common than fear of failure, especially for women

What psychological safety actually looks like as a spectrum, not a binary

The ladder of inference and how we make up stories that aren't true

Why burnout is about unmet expectations — and how to address it at the root

The micro decisions that stack into sustainable transformation


Pull Quotes

"Designing your future self isn't about getting it right. It's about being curious."— Lauren LeMunyan

"Your feelings are valid — but they might be lying to you."— Lauren LeMunyan

"Where your focus goes is where your energy grows. Stop circling the problem and start building toward what you want."— Lauren LeMunyan


About Lauren LeMunyan

Lauren LeMunyan is a certified master coach, speaker, and CEO of Spitfire Coach. She is the creator of Future Self Design — an ICF-approved framework and live intensive that helps leaders move beyond goal setting and into embodying the person they are becoming. She works with individuals and corporate teams on psychological safety, inner barriers, and sustainable change. She has a podcast, a YouTube channel, and multiple books. She is a military spouse, a mom, and based in Denver.


Take Action

1) Join the Future Self Design intensive at futureselfdesign.com

2) Explore free resources, the podcast, and YouTube at spitfirecoach.com

3) If you're a coach or leader, look into ICF-approved training in the Future Self Design framework — 13 CCEs

4) Follow Lauren on Instagram and LinkedIn @spitfirecoach


Connect

Website: spitfirecoach.com · futureselfdesign.com
Podcast: The Spitfire Coach Podcast
YouTube: Spitfire Coach
Instagram & LinkedIn: @spitfirecoach

#SpitfireCoach #FutureSelfDesign #LaurenLeMunyan #TogetherDigital #PowerLounge #WomenInLeadership #PsychologicalSafety #Burnout #GoalSetting #SelfAwareness #Coaching #TransformationalLeadership #WomenWhoLead

Support the show

SPEAKER_02

Hello everyone and welcome to our weekly Power Lounge. This is your place to hear authentic conversations from those who have power to share. My name is Amy Vaughn and I am the owner and chief empowerment officer of Together Digital, a diverse and collaborative community of women who work in digital and choose to share their knowledge, power, and connections. You can join the movement at TogetherIndigital.com. And today's guest is someone who has built her entire career around a deceptively simple but deeply powerful idea that the transformation isn't something that you wait for. It's something that you design. Lauren, I did not ask how to pronounce your last name. I want you to try it. Go ahead. Okay. All right. So Lauren Lamyan?

SPEAKER_00

Lamun. You're so close. Lamunyan. All right. Paul Bunyan and Florimion got together.

The Spitfire Coach Origin Story

SPEAKER_02

I love that. Lamunyan. All right, Lauren Lamunyan. Even saying it together is fun. She is a certified master coach, speaker, and CEO of Spitfire Coach and the creator of Future Self-Design, a transformative framework that helps leaders move beyond goal setting and into actually embodying the person they are becoming. Known for her direct yet deeply intuitive approach, Lauren works with individuals and teams to break through intent works with individuals and teams to break through internal barriers, strengthen psychological safety, and create sustainable, meaningful change. If you've ever set a goal, made a plan, and still feel like something deeper needs to shift first. This is the conversation with you for you. Good golly, it's Friday. Lauren, welcome to the Power Lounge. Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. Me too. And that's one of the shorter intros I've had to read. So I don't know why. Oh, no, I know why I was stumbling over my words. I'm gonna go ahead and throw out my excuse and get vulnerable and share that I'm recovering from a concussion. Don't worry, everyone. I'm okay. Um it does make you a little more tongue-tied. Yeah, I know. We talked about so much before we even came on the air. And, you know, I didn't touch on that, but you know, we the show never would have started. But yeah, so anywho, I, you know, we're here, we're good, we're all upright. And I'm excited to learn more about you, share more about what you're doing and your philosophies. Cause I can already tell just from the last like 10 minutes of us talking, our members and our listeners need to know you and they need to reach out after this as well. So the name Spitfire Coach, that feels very intentional and very spicy. I love it. What is the origin story there? And what does it tell us about your philosophy as a coach?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, so the name Spitfire Coach came together in a meditation at the first weekend of my coach training. And I, when I stepped into the room, I was a mess. I was going through a divorce, I was 31 years old, and I thought I had everything together as my life was falling apart. And I'd never really sat in stillness. And they walked us through a guided meditation, and I had this moment where everything went white. There was this bright light, and I heard this voice, you are the Spitfire coach. And the reason that that ties together is because as a kid, I was always called a Spitfire. Like I learned how to crochet at six, I had my first business at 12, I paid my way through school at Ruckers, selling hats, scarves, and baby apparel. Like I was just always go, go, go. And so to me, like Spitfire has always been this powerful word. And when you can teach people to spit their own fire, and that doesn't mean that you have to be an extrovert or like, you know, be loud and out there, but like when you can really harness your power, it activates it in other people, like showing up aligned and authentic. And to me, when the more I started digging into Spitfire, I realized the negative connotation because honestly, anything associated with women is not very positive. It's meant to like put us in the box and contain us, and it's like you're too much. And I'm like, screw that, you can't handle this. I can handle me. And if you can't get on my level, take a seat and let me know when you're ready. So that's kind of the ethos of everything. And the the ironic part is as I was getting started in my practice 10 years ago, I was told by two men, and I thought I really respected their opinion. They said, Lauren, if you use this name Spitfire Coach, you're never gonna do business with corporate. And I'm here to tell you that most of my clients are corporate because people are wanting to have that motivation, that fire, the inner fire. They don't really know what it means yet, but they're like, we need different than the cookie cutter, jargony, nonsense, old white dude, crap leadership books that are out there. They know it doesn't work, and the stuff that we bring to the table absolutely does.

SPEAKER_02

I love, love, love, love that origin story. I know a lot of our listeners can relate. And yeah, you can receive feedback, but you don't have to take it. So sorry, fellas.

SPEAKER_00

I love that the I love men. I love men. But listen, this is the matriarchy. It's coming in. Get ready for it.

Future Self-Design Versus SMART Goals

SPEAKER_02

Roll up your sleeves, folks. No, I love that. And again, like I think when you're going through coaching certification, that had to be a challenge, right? Like you said, because on the surface, it probably appeared like you had everything together, but inside everything was falling apart. But to me, I think that's where you find the opportunity to sort of you learn through what you go through, right? And it's like you can't, it's hard to coach other people that are living lives, especially going through something like divorce. Divorce is like also like having children. I can't put words to it. I can't describe how it changes the way that you see the world, you see yourself, the way that you think. Um, and I think about that, about even if I had to go back in time and describe any of those things to my my younger self, I don't, I don't think I could do it justice. So I think having that experience is tremendous. It's not a downfall. It's like, oh my gosh, she's been through it. She knows what she's speaking of. And so I think from a lot of that experience and through your still in a meditative moment, you kind of started working through building your practice, and then you created the future self-design, which is a distinct um form of uh traditional goal setting. What's the official difference? And what do you feel like the existing, what maybe you feel like the existing frameworks that are out there weren't maybe enough?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So, you know, when I went through coach training and, you know, some other frameworks, like I have a bunch of certifications I won't bore you with, but you know, people are all about SMART goals. And I'm like, these are so boring, like specific, measurable, like actionable, reasonable, timely. Honestly, it just recreates what we've always done. And the more I was coaching people and working on my own stuff, we're using the same process, we're using the same resources to recreate, trying to like stretch us, but we're doing the same thing over and over again. And as I was going through my own like mentoring process and getting my uh master certified coach credential, I worked with a mentor and she said this quote that will always stick with me and I will continue to repeat it. Where your focus goes is where your energy grows. And so if we're constantly circling around the problem and what's not working, we are reinforcing that belief system, we're reinforcing the process, we're reinforcing the thoughts. And so future self-design is about we can start with what we don't want, but I'm gonna challenge you of what's on the other side of that coin. What is it that we do want when this isn't there? Who do you now become? Because otherwise, we can create vision boards. Like I do vision boards. I used to do abstract painting vision board workshops. It was so much fun. Um, but what it was missing is the, and what am how am I different when I've gone on these vacations, when I have this house, when I have this relationship, when I'm working out? Like, how am I different? And how do I start embodying it now? Because we can have the experiences and do the things and then think we're gonna become the person. But the reality is when it all comes together and becomes sustainable and creates that neuropathway forward, we embody those qualities today to then do the things to have the life and the experiences that reinforce it. And when we don't work that pattern, we're actually gonna get more frustrated, create more inflammation and stress, and then wonder why can't I have that life? Now, this is not to say that systemic barriers do not exist. But what I'm saying is how do we address them and find the wiggle room for us to take ownership of the things that are in our power and control?

SPEAKER_02

I love that. I was trying to think of a good real world example because what you said was so tremendous. I don't know if you can think of any specific real world examples, but it is one of those things where it's like I I just did a video of this on this actually, and I shared it on Instagram and um LinkedIn about how career pathing is dead and how we often just think that it's like a linear path, it's a five-year plan, but then life happens and you're also you're constantly looking into the future, you're never being fully present and taking care of what's now. And so it sounds like more of like, what can I do, excuse me, in this day, in this minute to be fully aware, be fully present, because it's more about becoming the person that you want to be every minute of the day, not like three years from now, five years from now. Because if you don't start taking those micro changes, right? And those little steps even in the present, how are you ever gonna get there?

Micro Decisions Over Hustle Culture

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely. So it's about stacking the micro decisions, like deciding I'm gonna speak to myself positively today, or I'm gonna go outside instead of engaging in some chaos. Um the whole thing of like a title, a salary is going to make me happy, is the lie that we've all been told. So I don't blame people for doing career planning that way, but once you know better, you do better. And I was making myself sick in corporate. Like I worked in association management and I was traveling the world and running a CrossFit gym and like was just literally grinding myself down. And so anytime someone's like the hustle of the grind, I'm like, I work hard, but I do what I love and I nap, I rest, I ask for help. And to me, that's sexy. Um so this whole like I'm gonna sweat it out and grind it out, nobody gets an award for like doing it by themselves and like ending up in a hospital bed because you work too hard. But that is the capitalistic myth that we have all been fed our whole lives. So now that you know, you can do better. So the question is when you make X amount of dollars, who are you? How are things different for you? What changes about your life? And if you can't answer those questions, then you got to start somewhere else, which is what do you honor and value now? And what do you want to honor and value about yourself and your life later on? All those little like tangible, you know, consumptive things are just byproducts. If you don't know who you are and who you want to become, you got no business putting yourself on a path that's gonna kick your ass and wear you down. You're gonna be bitter and resentful.

SPEAKER_02

So, so true. And burnout, right? Because we keep hearing about that term always, over and over again.

SPEAKER_00

That is what it's about. I'm so glad you touched on burnout because all relationships break down from unmet expectations. And that includes in your career, you have an assumption of what you expect to get out of it, how you're gonna be rewarded, how you're gonna be recognized and acknowledged. And when it doesn't happen, you'd spin up, spin up, spin, because I just need to do more. And if you're a high performer, you're just raising the bar each and every time. And before you know it, it collapses down and a vacation is not going to solve it for you.

SPEAKER_02

Heck no. And we know that pay raise and promotion ain't coming. Ain't coming. And even if it does, taxes are taking it away, or you've already invented. Yes. So I think what you're speaking to right now, Lauren, is going to be the story of our generation. I think that we all kind of got fed that load of like go to college, rack up these expenses and debts, get yourself out of school, get a job, make six figures, get the highest title that you can. And yeah, so we have a whole generation of very burnt-out people. And I do feel, and I'm glad you're saying this because it is like a sense that I get from our together digital community that I get from the marketing collaborative community I have here in Cincinnati. Um, just this bigger movement towards, you know, and again, this ties back to what I shared yesterday too. Funny enough, like so well of how um our our core values and passions, it's not that you have to take your passion and make it a profession. It's just that that is more possible and more plausible now than ever. And if you don't have a passion and a purpose behind what you do, like you said, no paycheck, no title will ever sustain you. Will ever sustain you. There's too many things going against you there. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00

I want to add one thing onto that because I feel like, and I heard this on another podcast, so I'm not gonna like say it's my own individual idea, but I want to incorporate it in that purpose is not about you just offering, but you being in community with people. What is your add on collectively? Because we as human social beings are not meant to be alone. That is also part of the myth. That is why we're in the trouble we're in. We all became isolated, became individualistic. The more collective we can be, the more we help each other, the more we evolve up.

Why Goals Fail The Four Lacks

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I agree. Oh my gosh. I wish you weren't moving all the way to Denver. We could just hang out and chat and have drinks all day. Like there's so much I do. Oh, yeah, same. I want to come, I'm gonna come to Colorado. Sounds more fun. Cincinnati's all right, no hate Cincinnati. But oh, 100%. That's why I have Together Digital and the Market are collaborative, is that that loneliness epidemic is real. Um, and it we have to start recognizing the power of community and collaboration and what it has to offer us. You started to kind of talk about this a little bit, but I want to come back to it to make sure that we kind of hit it on the head hard for these ladies because we've got a lot of smart, capable women listening. Um when they set goals, they all they put them on paper often because we know writing them down, right? That increases the likelihood that they will stick, but then they don't fully stick. What is happening beneath the surface when this happens, would you say?

SPEAKER_00

So part of the process of future self-design addresses just this because we have an idea of like this is the goal, but we don't focus on what the outcome is. And we also aren't addressing the obstacles that can pop up. So if we can objectively list out the obstacles, whether they're internal or external, and then connect them to resources that we already have or we might need, that's where the community comes in. And then examining where our gifts and experience and expertise, we haven't mapped out the plan. So I have this whole like theory about it's not procrastination. There's four lacks. You either lack information, resources, a plan, or the desire to do it. So if it's any of those four things and it might be a combination, it's worth exploring. But if it's not lighting you up, if it's not bringing you joy, it's just another checklist chore item. And I think that's what goal setting has turned into. Like, I'm like, whatever, I'll knock it out. Like, I have no problem getting duals. But to me, I want a learning goal. And that's that's what um really like just inspired me. I was like, yes, stop with the smart goals. It's gotta stretch you, it's gotta challenge you to have new conversations, look into new information, critical thinking, challenging. Like, get out of Claude and Chat GPT and start having conversations and asking really curious questions because otherwise you are repeating the same patterns, and that's not gonna get you excited. That's not gonna fire you up and getting those neuropathways going.

SPEAKER_02

It kind of reminds me of a framework in which I've evaluated employees by before in the past. Uh a mentor gave me, it's like, is it a skill, hill, or will problem? If it's a skill, what what new skill do I need to learn? What's that barrier obstacle that's keeping me from actually obtaining whatever it is that I want to obtain or do? Um, hill, is there a personal hill? Is there something happening in my life or is it a financial barrier? Like what other hills type of barriers are there? And then will is just cheerly that. Like you just don't have the passion, like you think you should check it off. I'm like, I should run a marathon. I've never run a day in my life, not me personally. I I do run a little bit, not a lot, but like I've never run a day in my life, but like I'm gonna run a marathon because that seems like a good goal based on what everybody else says is a good goal. So then it's like, okay, yeah, I can get the skill to run. I can't, I might hit some hills because I'm probably gonna get injured if I've never run before. But truly, like the will, if the will is not there, you're never gonna show up for it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you know. You said some very critical words in there that are usually red flags for me when I'm coaching people that I always dig in on. Uh should and scenes, because those are coming from outside of you and they're usually like really embedded belief systems. So I'm gonna immediately address it. Right? I love these are things to also be aware in yourself of like getting getting like a spiral-bound notebook and like how many shoulds have you said to yourself in the day, and where do they come from? And where can you rewrite that that would actually support you if it's something you want to do? And also, it's okay to quit things. I quit a master's program and I felt amazing. It wasn't giving me I had a panic attack, it was great. I just was like, nope, and I got out.

SPEAKER_02

You don't be surprised how nice quitting can be sometimes. I feel quitting's amazing.

SPEAKER_00

I quit my marriage, I quit my job, I quit my master's program. Because you decide, you choose.

SPEAKER_02

That is your power.

SPEAKER_00

Choice is power.

SPEAKER_02

Choice is power, and we we jokingly say that as uh stop shooting all over yourself around the TD and the TD chats. So yeah.

Embodying Confidence Through Body Awareness

SPEAKER_00

But here's the thing you have to replace it with something else because in the same way that we don't want to keep focusing on the problem and circling around that, we have to give ourselves something positive, not like posit toxic positivity, but like something constructive to aim towards. So if it's not shoulda, shoulda, shoulda, it's like want to. I can, I am, I'm doing it, I'm in motion. And that positive, like like formation creation speak is what builds that micro, like each little brick and builds you the that staircase that's going to support you in a strong foundation to whatever future you want.

SPEAKER_02

Well, that reminds me too of what you talk about with embodying your future self before the evidence arrives. It takes a lot of trust in yourself, right? How do you how would you help someone build that kind of intentional confidence when maybe the external proof isn't there yet?

SPEAKER_00

Well, the amount of body, mind-body disconnection that's there is so, so thick. And so a lot of it is just getting people in touch with sensations. So feelings are just sensations with a thought to follow. So I first have to like recognize what is my body feeling. And a lot of people have numbed out. Like it is a coping mechanism. So literally just like checking in with yourself, like you'll you'll notice me just do this because this is my how I regulate myself. So I do a lot of chest tapping because all of my like stress and and signals are very trust and chest based. So anywhere is just kind of like acknowledging your body because it is this amazing vessel of signals. And when we listen to it, when we honor it, we build that inner trust, but we ignore it. And I like to tell my clients, like, listen, first it's gonna whisper, then it's gonna talk to you, then it's gonna scream, and then it's gonna paralyze you. So it's your choice when you want to start picking up on it and doing something about it. And so the more that we can start to say, okay, this is a sensation, I'm having a sensation in my body, and then picking up the thought, because the thoughts are deeply embedded from when we were, you know, birth to seven years, from things that we've picked up to basically make ourselves safe. We were just absorbing things. And so now, as adults, as fully formed human beings, assuming that your prefrontal cortex is fully developed after the age of 25, you now have the ability, and I'm gonna say the the responsibility to be in line with your thoughts and to examine them. And if you aren't ready to do it, working with a professional to help you sort that out, whether it's a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, but really get in check with that because it's not just about mantras, but about the curiosity of like, where did that come from? How did it serve me then, and how can it serve me now by reformatting it in a better way? And so it's not just here's my list, I'm writing it down, but it's what is the belief system, the thought system, the sensations in my body that are open and expansive that are going to support me in getting that done and also celebrating myself along the way.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I love that. Yeah, those are really good practices. It kind of reminds me too of um Untamed, Glenn and Doyle and her book, but then there's also like um a workbook that you can get after. And I actually found the workbook way more useful and helpful because it puts it all into practice.

SPEAKER_00

The threads universe is not a fan of her. I'm just gonna tell you that. I know, I know, I know, yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_02

But you know, the content that's out there is really helpful and useful. People it's kind of like me in music. I'm like, oh, I love their music, but I hate that person.

SPEAKER_00

So all of these are universal principles. Everything I'm saying is just my take on it. So, like, I'm not like groundbreaking. I'm never gonna claim these as like my independent research. This is my interpretation of what I've picked up.

Fear Of Success And Social Perception

SPEAKER_02

Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, super helpful. Okay, let's talk about those inner obstacles some more then. Um, because I think that's what we're kind of hovering in and around, right? Is like the shoulds and the woulds or coulds or ought to's, whatever. What are some of the most common ones that you see that are quietly keeping maybe specifically women stuck, even when they look successful from the outside?

SPEAKER_00

Uh, this one might surprise you. Fear of success. Say more.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

There's a shedding that happens. When you fully evolve into your true power, there are people who are not meant to go along with you. That's what happened in my divorce. I lost a lot of friends. Um, it needed to happen. Every time I've kind of had another like seven year life revolution, it's like there is there is a takeaway that happens. It might be family members. I cut some family members off too, but it's examining. Who in my life is adding towards this like amazing movement? Who needs to go to kind of the acquaintance level realm? And who do I just need to remove and just put that boundary and barrier down? Because if we're not taking an inventory of that, we are tolerating things that are below our vibration and are going to pull us down, especially when we're trying to evolve, because they just don't understand it. They want people to be at their level. It's like the giraffe and the tortoise. I think it was T.D. Jenks that said it. But it was like if you are a giraffe and you're up in the trees, that that tortoise can't understand like what you're seeing. And so they want you to come down to your level, but it's going to harm you. And you can say, hey, when you're ready to come up here, like it's great. But like we can have this type of relationship, but I can't come down to your level because it really hurts me. Um so that's that's basically what it is. It's like understanding that in order for you to truly step into your power, there are going to be some things that are going to change. And that that change and that rewriting of the script is really painful because you have to acknowledge, like, there's probably some things that I that I did that I continue to do that are harming me. And that knowing is really painful. But once you can address it and say, you know what, I deserve better. I deserve to treat myself better and to truly go there, that's that's what can open it up. But the more that you don't address it, you stay in these loops and you talk the talk and you have the face on, but you're not really aligned in it.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And you're staying in the box, right? Because as women, we have the double-edged sword. We we're successful when we're perceived as a bitch, honestly. Like we're not, they see it, right? We are less liked when we are perceived as successful. And so there's it's not even just the fear of success alone, but it's the fear of perception of success. So like you might even not, by your own terms, be successful, but even by looking it, you're you're already getting dinged.

SPEAKER_00

We are in an impossible situation given the current societal framework. Yeah, like it but it but it is that way by design. So that acknowledgement, and so it's not just the internal obstacles, but acknowledging the external obstacles. Misogyny is a real thing, and it is it is designed to keep us small. And once we can address that, we then can see it as a game. You are always gonna do your thing. You're gonna be woman hating and trying to put us in the box. So let me play a different route. Let's see where we can go. So once we can just list it out, then we can look at, well, what do I know? Who do I know? What can I do? And then things start to open up differently.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I love it. I love that great answer. I'm never gonna forget the tortoise and the giraffe now. It's such a good analogy. I don't think I've heard that one yet. I love it. All right, so I think everyone who's listening, and by the way, live listeners, I see you. They love the fear of success. They agree with that's legit. If you have questions for Lauren as we're going through this, I do have time in the show to make sure that we can hit on your questions. So if you've got them, drop them in the chat. We love that you're listening live. All right. So, and and like I was saying, those who are listening, they're probably in different points of their life or seasons of reinvention, right? And and there's sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between if it's like a season of reinvention, like I'm going through a divorce and now my whole identity as a person, my livelihood, my finances, my home situation, everything's changing versus maybe just feeling restless. How does someone know when they're genuinely ready for and because it doesn't have to be a life event, right? For that next chapter versus when they need to do something different within their current one.

SPEAKER_00

I think we're always on that cusp if we listen. Um and I I think, yes, there are moments of like just like that acknowledgement of like, I really love where I am. I I've been going through this season in my life too. I have a 21-month-old. Um we are about to, I'm a military spouse. So so much of my life feels out of control as I'm running a 10-year-old business. Um, and so I have to constantly examine of what's best for me, what's working, what's not working. And so that that like mind-body connection is so important. And I think, you know, if you feel any friction, and I mean that like tentation sensations, wind up, like whatever it is that you can kind of acknowledge as being something, my body's trying to tell me something of just sitting in silence and like asking, like, what are you trying to tell me? Like, have that inner voice conversation. Um, because we are always exposed to new things. We are always thinking and processing, like our brains are always looking for patterns. And so I think just having a daily practice of just saying, hey, what's working and what might I want to explore or check out? Whether you're going through a divorce, whether you are a new mom, whether you're about to get married, whether you're starting a new job, whether you're starting a new business, or whether you've been doing all of this and you feel like maybe I want to do something different. I don't know. But I think when you can eject curiosity, because that's the opposite of judgment, it just allows it to be part of a practice versus it being like, I must follow this playbook, I must do it this way. And that's and that's the problem that I see with self-help books and like that space is that my story, and I have a book, so I I've written many books, but my story and my journey work for me. And I always say when I teach, think of it as a buffet. Take what you want, try it out. If it works for you, take some more of it. If it doesn't work for you, put it away. But try it, see how it works. And that's what critical thinking is. So don't absorb it as absolute truth. It is my truth. Your truth is gonna look a little different, might look a lot different. But I think the freedom to explore, the freedom of choice again, is where you can really harness that energy and feel empowered instead of feeling like I have to have the right answer, I have to have the right decision about my life. I need to be this kind of person. Open it up to explore. And we're constantly changing. If you met me when I was 21, I was a complete asshole. I'm I'm so different now. I didn't like you back then. You're meant to change and evolve. That's the beauty of all of this. I'm sorry, am I allowed to curse on this podcast?

SPEAKER_02

Uh yeah. I already dropped the B-word, so yeah, you're fine. I I love that. I think that um, yeah, I think what you're encouraging is stillness, which is a really hard thing for people to do. And I don't think stillness has to be in a cave meditating, although that sounds glorious to someone like me. I think what it does mean is slowing down with intention from time to time, whether that's like once a month, once a quarter, once a week, whatever looks attainable to you. Because I also feel like we, especially women, find our value in productivity, right? It's another checklist, which is why a lot of these self-help books look like checklists and frameworks, because it's like if I can just take their answers and apply it to my life, it'll work. But then you get overwhelmed because there are so many. I'm like, I think that's the fastest growing section in the bookstore if you can if you still have a bookstore near you. Um, is that self-help section? And I love it. I love, I've always loved self-help. But for me, I've definitely taken that philosophical approach as well, where it's it's adaptive. You know, it's it's all data and information. And I love your buffet analogy of like, I can take this and if it works and it's it's great. Same thing with parenting advice. Then I'm gonna take it and work with it. But it might not work for everybody because kids are different, parents are different, home life situations are different. So yeah, I really do love that. I that idea of it's not maybe it's not even about like that full full end goal, right? That full end picture. Because it's like, are you there's this invisible summit we try to keep climbing? And how do you ever know if you've gotten there? To me, it's like what you're saying is it's just a constant evolution of who you are and where you want to be. And you can't do that if you don't stop and look around. If you're just hoofing it up that mountain constantly, it's just never, you're never gonna get there.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

You're gonna collapse, most likely.

SPEAKER_00

Right. And all you need to do is turn around and look at everything that's around you. Everything like and I think that that is the one thing that you can do. Like, don't even put like, I know this is a podcast and I have a podcast too, but go outside with nothing. Yes. Leave your phone at home and just go walk. Whether you're in a city, whether you're in the country, like give yourself 20 minutes to just walk and notice, be aware, pick things up. That's where self-awareness comes in by first being aware of your environment and your surroundings.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

I love it.

SPEAKER_02

It's like mindfulness walk and meditation, right? Exactly. There's some of those online if you want to listen to them. If it helps, if you need the guidance. I've started um recently going back to like I since I'm driving to and from the office again, um, like I hadn't been for six years. I will drive, and this sounds probably pretty psychotic to some of you. I I listen, I don't have anything on. No radio, no podcasts, I don't make phone calls. My phone is in my purse in the backseat of the car. And I just drive and notice while I'm driving. Part of that was also my concussion recovery because I was too paranoid.

SPEAKER_00

But also your body leads you to what you need, right?

SPEAKER_02

100%. Well, then I also realized I could hack my my whole um healing process because apparently w after brain trauma, um, neuroplasticity increases. Yep. So I actually am making more new neural pathways now than I was before I hit my head. So yeah, you know, silver lining and all.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. My husband had a seizure last summer. So he he actually had brain surgery. And so I'm seeing that now happen with him. Yeah, he almost died. Um, that's a whole other podcast. But uh yeah, but it was through that process of like I was like whispering stuff, actually, I was yelling in his ear, um, many things, but I was giving him future points to focus on with our daughter, with his voice, sailing, traveling. Like, even though he was unconscious, I was like feeding him with this stuff and he remembers that. He doesn't remember anything else. Oh, wow, that's so cool.

SPEAKER_02

Uh see, you just affirmed my nerdiness. Thank you. I appreciate that. And I'm so glad that he made it through and he had you inside him. That's amazing.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I don't want to be doing the widow's uh keynote. That's no, thank you. Nobody wants that. I do the resilience keynote, I don't want to do the widow's keynote.

Psychological Safety Starts With Self

SPEAKER_02

Right, exactly. Oh, I'm glad I'm glad he's doing better. That's scary stuff. Yeah. All right. So you have worked with both teams and individuals on the psychological safety is a big term that gets turned around around a lot. How does a leader's relationship with her own future self show up in the culture that she creates around her?

SPEAKER_00

That is a big question. Um, I want to just first dive into like psychological safety as a spectrum, yeah, not as a binary, because I've heard it like we have psychological safety, we don't have psychological safety. You are constantly building towards it or taking away in the same way that you're building and and reducing trust. And so uh I like to tell people when I'm teaching this that you are a culture architect as a leader. You have a responsibility of creating the space, of creating the standards for the space, and also enforcing when there's a violation of the psychological safety and the trust. And so when you see something, when you become aware, you need to do something about it. Now, it doesn't mean that you need to reprimand someone or anything else, but you have to address it in the moment or it starts to build. But before you can do that, you as a leader need to be safe in yourself. You need to be regulating, you need to understand like I'm triggered here, I'm having, you know, baggage, like everyone's got baggage. Like I like to say that I help people heal from their workplace trauma because we all have it. Like my first job, um, I had a stack of papers thrown at my head because I got promoted. Um, and it was awful. Like my first three months, the six months in, um, like had sexual harassment where the boss the CEO of the um nonprofit I was working for called my hotel room and said he was gonna come read me bedtime stories. I was terrified, terrified. And at the same point, I was then like called other names because this woman was threatened by me. Like it was, it was a wild time. But I I was not psychologically safe. And so a lot of my bad practices as a manager were because I didn't have a positive example to follow. And so a lot of my thing was being reactive. And so now being in the space to help people, I can acknowledge, listen, this is what happens when we're not taking care of our shit, when we're not facing our own baggage and history. Um, because in psychological safety, you might be one of those people that, like when you get a deadline, when you're under stress, you perform really well. Or you might be the person that when those same elements and environment happen, you are gonna have a safety response where you are trying to protect yourself. And one isn't better than the other, but we reward the performance response. Yeah. And so just because that's true doesn't mean that we we have to be able to neutrally address it. And exactly what you were saying before, like asking the questions and feedback, I always like to say, what's the way forward here? How do we create co-create a plan together to either work together to resolve it or work together to see a way out? Because sometimes it's just a misfit, and that's okay. But we got to keep it objective. We have to have high levels of intellectual friction and low levels of social friction, meaning it's not about the personal stuff. And when you have that baggage coming in, the storytelling and what we make up about people is not the truth. It's what we've picked up and what we're applying. Now, that person might be a jerk or whatever, but they're taking away your power in the process.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

So we've got to sort through our own stuff, make sure we've cleaned up our house in our backyard before we invite people over or start judging other people about their neighborhoods.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. I like to say, don't get don't get furious, get curious before you start to judge somebody else's actions.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, I do is hard. It gets things done.

SPEAKER_02

So believe me, I love to, oh, I will use the shit out of my anger when I need to for the right things.

SPEAKER_00

But I think so good. I'm so good at cleaning and organizing when I'm pissed off.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, hell yeah. Well, and then I think not only that, but it's just like, how long will I let the anger consume me? And it does build and create so much energy. It's like, what can I actually do constructively with this? Like just being ragey and mad and angry and venting, it serves a purpose to a point. But then after a while, it's like, who am I really serving? And it's like jumping to conclusions. Not to bring up another controversial lady, but uh Brene Brown, I got to hear her speak at Design Week back in, gosh, 2011 before anybody really knew who she was. And she told this story about how this other professor at the University of Texas, where she was working and starting to kind of put together um grant writing for her shame research. Um, ironically, this woman was very dismissive of her in her meeting as she was kind of reading her proposal and she was under this tremendous deadline and stressed, and she'd worked so hard, and she was just mad because this woman was like on her phone the whole time. And she went home and made up this entire story and narrative about how this woman was against her and didn't want her to also have the money or the recognition, or she was jealous and was just going on and on about this stuff to her husband, only to find out after she sends a very scathing, vicious email to the woman, basically telling her off for being so dismissive of her, um, that her dog had died, her family dog had died, and that she's apologized. She's like, I should have canceled that meeting, but I knew how it was how important it was to you. I was not able to be fully present. It was our 16-year-old lab, and I was devastated. Like we were literally making the choice as I was texting on my phone in that meeting.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I'm like, oh. So exactly what you're saying is called uh the ladder of inference. So we're taking like the things that we're observing and we're applying meaning and assumptions to them. Yeah. And that is usually never the truth.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But I think if we can approach it of how do we operate on the same team? Yes. Like anytime my husband and I have conflict now, I was like, same team.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, my team. Like that is now our code word. Like, you know, people have their safety word like pineapple. Uh-huh. Same team.

SPEAKER_02

Same team. I love that. That's great. And it is, it's true. It's really hard. I think um, you know, I even see it. I have a 12-year-old daughter at home, you know, and I'm trying to teach her this. Oh, it's so funny. I'm trying to teach her this now because it's going to be such an important aspect of what she how she works in the future. Because again, I mean, just think about it, y'all. How much time have we spent in our lives just spiraling on things that that are inference, you know, that are us applying stories and narratives that aren't really there? And I think, you know, being able to recognize those types of thinking patterns will help you and and everyone in return. It's not about being a doormat, it's not about giving total grace. Yes, you are allowed to get mad. Get mad, that's fine. But also like make sure you have the right information about getting mad.

SPEAKER_00

It's your choice to get mad. And also keep in mind that everything is neutral until you apply a thought to it. I like that too. And you are the one who gets to decide the thought.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, yes.

unknown

Yep.

SPEAKER_02

And just because you think it doesn't make it true, we say that one around the house a lot too. Yeah. Well, your your feelings are valid, but they might be lying to you.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_02

Mm-hmm. 100%.

SPEAKER_00

That's just it. And and have grace. Like, we're all freaking human. We're we're humaning the crap out of this life. And it's sometimes really messy. Like it's meant to be messy. That's where you get fertilizer from for things to grow. But it's just like be kind to yourself. Like we're not meant to get this perfectly right.

unknown

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I think that's been a big thing for me too, is just reminding myself. I mean, I grace sometimes I say that and it doesn't stick for me. But the other night I was I was laying in bed with my racing rubinating thoughts, and I was like, be gentle, be gentle. Like to me, that word just hit different. It's it's like such nuance and it's a little pedantic. But find that word, find that phrase, find that reminder so that when you start to kind of get into those spiral moments, that you can bring yourself out of it. Because it's professionally speaking, personally speaking, it's going to keep you more present, you know.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You know, which is what we all are striving for.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But one thing I would just add when you're doing that, please, for your listeners too, you can have that thought be gentle. And then you need to have body sensation too. So whether that means you're rocking or like just like tapping on your heart, because that's signaling, okay, we can relate to it. We're safe. Yeah, we're safe. Good reminder.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Lauren, I also want to remind listeners too, because I was thinking about it while we were talking, but you make so many good points. I'm like, oh my gosh, I have so much to say and share too. Um, is that we do have an episode on um tapping. We have a whole podcast episode with I can't even remember what the term is now, where it's like you can learn how to semitic awareness. Mm-hmm. There's like an EMF or something. I don't remember. Anyways, concussion brain. I'll blame it on that. But like the tapping for like your face, but then also on your hands and like things you can kind of do even when you're on Zoom calls or in meetings to help kind of calm and regulate. When you're stressed out, if someone's pissing you off, do this underneath your desk or just use tap tap tap crab claws, you know, get out of the room. I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Also, if if you're getting wound up in a conversation, this is why having a pen and paper is so important. Like just write down words that are coming up because you need to get it out of your head and put it somewhere else. Like energy needs a home, and that's the perfect place to play to put it.

SPEAKER_02

So much good stuff in this episode, Lauren. I'm loving it. All right. What does a sustainable transformation actually look like from day to day? Not necessarily the peak moments, but maybe those ordinary practices of becoming who you're designing yourself to be. That maybe we just kind of are again, we're so busy. And like, I just check off the thing off my list. That's that's that's success, right?

Sustainable Daily Transformation Practices

SPEAKER_00

What else is there, Lauren? To me, it's it's just about intentionality of like just having that that check-in of asking yourself, how's this working for me? What do I want to do more of? What do I want to do less of? What do I want to add in? What do I want to take away? Like all of those things. It's it takes like two minutes every day. And so sustainability to me doesn't say I'm doing the same thing every day, but it's saying I'm looking at if I was a vehicle, what are the things I need to maintain? What are the things I need to fill up? What are the things I need to like? I need my keys, I need to make sure that I, you know, am shifting into gear and I'm looking around and making sure I don't, you know, roll over something. Um, think of that as your life, as you are like entering spaces and and starting your day and not of like, how do you want to start up? How do you want to like drive to your destination? And it and I think if you see this as something for you, this is the gift that you give yourself every day, busyness starts to look a little different. Productivity looks a little different because you're gonna be very intentional about what creates the most impact for me and what I'm about today. And how can I make the life for other people a little bit better?

SPEAKER_02

That's great. I was gonna say for me, for whatever reason, right now, um to me, transformation is the ability for at least two minutes of my day to stop, slow down, and look around. Because I'm not running a million miles a minute, you know, between being a mom of two, you know, two businesses. It's like, you know, I got a dog recently, which is just like sounds like it's adding to the responsibilities, but he gets me out. They're great for mindfulness, right? We get outside, we go for a walk, and I like to me a good day is when I get the chance to look up at the sky, whether it's looking at the stars at night, sunset, sunrise, or just in the middle of the day and noticing the clouds. Like to me, that's a good day. If I actually get to step outside and just be still enough to look up and see the sky. And it sounds so sad, but like how many when's the last time y'all looked up at the sky? Do you remember what was up there? What time of day it was, where you were? Can I offer something else?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, please. Every day I can open my eyes. Yes. Every day I can take a deep breath is a good day.

SPEAKER_02

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00

Because that is not guaranteed.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. None of it is guaranteed. And I feel like sometimes the simpler you can make those things, like it's just reinforcing. Speaking of dogs and training puppies, like, right? Reinforce the good. Notice those those little things, the gratitude there.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Well, it's also like we're doing the things we're doing because they were set up so long ago. That's our default. And so the work that we're doing now is reprogramming your default systems. It's gonna take like X amount more effort to do that. And it's and it's gonna try to reset. Because our brains want to keep us safe and do the same thing. So, no, this is gonna be a little challenging. It's gonna feel weird. It's gonna feel awkward, but that's what you want to feel. Like that awkward baby giraffe feeling means that you're on to something.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. If you're not comfortable, then you're doing it right.

unknown

Right.

Future Self-Design Offer And Power Round

SPEAKER_02

Essentially. Let's make it awkward and weird. Right? Let's go. I'm always down for that. All right. If someone was to walk away from this conversation, ready to start, what is the very first thing that you would tell her to do?

SPEAKER_00

Um, go to my website. Um so we actually have a new offering. Future self-design is going to be a two-part live intensive where I'm doing live coaching and walking you through a workbook and prompts. So you can do that, you can revisit it and go through it. And we also train coaches in this framework too. So it started as a coach training. It is ICF approved. It's 13 CCEs. Um, so that's a great, great option. Um, and you get to walk away with the workbook and things like that. So whether you're in the coaching space or you are a leader, uh a powerful woman, or you want to be more powerful, like it's it's there. Um, so it's futureselfdesign.com. My website is spitfirecoach.com. We have a podcast, tons of resources, um YouTube channel, all that jazz.

SPEAKER_02

Fantastic. Wonderful, wonderful. All right, everybody, be sure to check out the website. I love that you, I was getting ready to ask you to drop the URL. We'll include it in the show notes as well. All right. I don't see any questions coming through in the chat. So we're gonna jump into the power round, but I'll keep an eye in case anything comes through. Power round is just kind of quick fire, short, fun answers, fun questions for us to just wrap up with. All right, what is one belief about yourself you had to let go of because to become who you are now? Uh, I need to do it all. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What does your future self know that your past self really needed to hear?

SPEAKER_00

Uh, that everything I need is already established, and I just need to trust the process.

SPEAKER_02

Love it. Oh, trust the process. I'm trying, I'm trying. All right, finish this sentence. Designing your future self isn't about blank, it's about blank.

SPEAKER_00

Designing your future self isn't about getting it right, it's about being curious. Love it.

SPEAKER_02

The best piece of advice you've ever received about leading yourself first. Ask for help and be willing to accept it. Yes. The receiving part, that's hard. I think the asking is scary. So at Together Digital, we do this practice of ask and give. And it's like deer and headlights when you ask a woman, how can I help you? They're like, What? Nobody ever asks me that. You know, and we just aren't conditioned to ask for help. So it's like, I don't even know where to start, right? Because your mind just goes into a definitely deer and headlights moment. Um, but it's a muscle that you begin to build, which is why we really encourage it in our Slack channels at our conferences and events. We're like, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask. And um, the next part that always is like the gut punch to the ladies is okay, now that you've gotten all this amazing information and ideas and inspiration, what you gonna do with it? Like, are you willing to receive this?

unknown

Yep.

SPEAKER_02

Because yeah, we feel like we have to do it all and we have to do it all alone. But not the case, my friends.

SPEAKER_00

We're not meant to outsource it's good for the economy. Right? Great.

SPEAKER_02

Let's do it. Oh, Lauren, thank you so much. This has been such an amazing conversation. I think it's exactly what our community and I even I know I needed to hear today. So thank you so much for showing up, um, for sharing and being so open and vulnerable. Um, for everyone who was listening today, you know, check out Together Digital, check out Lauren's websites, check out her workshops. I know I will be. Um, I appreciate you so much for being here and for all of you listening. And most of all for you, Lauren. Thank you for being an amazing guest.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely. All right, everyone. That's all that we have for you today. Until then, keep asking, keep giving, and keep growing. We'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_01

Produced by Heartcast Media.

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Amy Vaughan

Host